Issue #10: Unexpected Deaths
Of days that lay sly and unseen among all the other days of the year.
“She suddenly thought one afternoon, when looking in the glass at her fairness, that there was yet another date, of greater importance to her than those; that of her own death, when all these charms would have disappeared; a day which lay sly and unseen among all the other days of the year, giving no sign or sound when she annually passed over it; but not the less surely there. When was it? Why did she not feel the chill of each yearly encounter with such a cold relation? She had Jeremy Taylor's thought that some time in the future those who had known her would say, 'It is the -th, the day that poor Tess Durbeyfield died'; and there would be nothing singular to their minds in the statement. Of that day, doomed to be her terminus in time through all the ages, she did not know the place in month, week, season, or year.”
The above quote is from Thomas Hardy’s 19th century novel, Tess of the D’Urbervilles. But that is not where I came across it. In fact I was not even aware of this book until I googled the phrase ‘a day which lay sly and unseen’ from this excerpt after being moved by it. I came upon this quote this weekend while binge watching the newly released Netflix series, One Day which is yet another adaptation of the famous book by the same name written by David Nicholls. Although this show has its merits, the recitation of this quote by the protagonist, Emma Morley being one of them, I honestly prefer the original film adaptation starring one of my favourite actresses, Anne Hathaway. But that’s not the point. Why did this quote and specifically the part ‘a day which lay sly and unseen’ catch my attention?
As it happens, I too recently had an encounter with such a day, one that gave no sight and sound and just crept up on me like those annoying pranksters, except in this case, nobody’s laughing. While this excerpt is referring to the protagonist’s day of death, fortunately, I am still very much alive despite having witnessed this sly sly day. Unfortunately, my adorable cat, Inkey who I had come to love as a daughter, is not.
It was a few days ago on February 7th when I received the news… via text message that she didn’t make it. The sender – someone I had given her to for a couple of days to take care of and get her treated because I too was dealing with a prolonged sickness myself. Someone who had assured me that they knew what they were doing and that they had plenty of experience taking care of animals. And so, after a long time, I decided to let my guard down and finally trust someone again. In turn, their hubris and negligence killed one of the most precious living beings for me in this world – something that I did not imagine even in my wildest dreams.
Life has not been the same since that ill-fated day. How had I been so blissfully unaware that such a day, just like any other, would surely come to pass? I know that there are several such days – decidedly horrid yet unavoidable – among all the other days of the years just waiting for their turn to come. And yet, I did not anticipate this one. This was the first time I had experienced the cold hard slap that a sudden unexpected death of a loved one plants on your very soul. Yes, my cat wasn’t exactly in the best of health, but I had been getting her treated and she was actually getting visibly better. Her demise was simply not on the cards. Unfortunately, I was dealt a very bad hand. Or who knows, perhaps it’s actually a good hand disguised as a bad one?
My mother said that she read somewhere that pets take any calamity that is supposed to fall on you upon themselves. I recalled my friend at work telling me that her mom said the same thing. Hours after burying a piece of my heart, I was frantically googling if this was true – if someone, just someone had written about this after losing a pet themselves. I am not much of a religious person I guess but in that moment, I desperately wanted to come across anything – a verse from the Quran, a hadith by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), a story even by a cleric which lent some legitimacy to this idea. After one unsuccessful search upon another, I finally landed upon this. Finally someone who was looking for an answer to the same question!! Considering the post has 13929 views, perhaps there were many more people out there wondering the same thing.
Although I wasn’t really satisfied with the response of someone who has a PhD in Islamic Studies, suddenly I did not feel very alone in my grief. I knew there was a community of people with a shared belief as mine that our pets protected us from unimaginable tragedy like a shield. I didn’t care whether this was something that only made me feel better when I had no explanation of one of the most horrible things to have ever happened to me. I didn’t care that I was rationalising something with the opposite of reason, and that it may just be some superstitious belief someone made up like ‘everything happens for a reason,’ except one that was specific to situations involving ones’ pets.
No, in that moment, I was fully convinced that Inkey had in fact saved me from a psychopath and opened my eyes to a reality I was wilfully ignoring and for what? A few fleeting moments of serotonin boosts and adrenaline rushes at the expense of slowly losing my sanity? Yes, that had to be it! But why did she have to go to make that happen? To that end, you and I both know that it was the only way. Sometimes life has to take you by the collar and knock you down so hard, otherwise you just won’t listen, no matter how many well-meaning people are trying to tell you the same thing.
And so here I am, writing my grief away and it has actually made me feel better. For so long I had been thinking of getting back to writing this newsletter again. Who knew that it was going to be another loss that would make me come back to it. The idea of this newsletter, the act of writing as a refuge, as a safe space that welcomes be back, no questions asked, no judgments reserved brings me so much peace.
Thank you my dear Inkey for being there when I needed someone to love, for providing me warmth when I had no one in the cold of the night, for bearing witness to moments which otherwise might not as well have happened simply because no one else saw them. I am sorry that you couldn’t grow up to become the fine feline writer and musician that you would have been – yet there was no one before you and there will be no one after you that can be INKEY. I am sorry I failed to take enough care of you and protect you from the big bad world. I hope that wherever you are, you can finally roam around free chasing birdies and sniffing every little thing you encounter.
But most of all, thank you for saving me and making me write again.
Until next time,
M