A few weeks ago, I took my ukulele out and sang a little song, a line from which goes something like, “And in the disbelief, I can't face reinvention. I haven't met the new me yet.” I had just gone through a life-changing event - a very difficult and heartbreaking separation from my partner of 5 years, something I hadn’t really announced to the world. Well, until now. I was so broken at that point, trying to piece myself back together. Saying goodbye to the city I called home away from home for the past six years, not knowing when or if I would even be able to return to it. Bidding farewell to the people I called friends and had become close to just as I was about to leave. Packing up 6 years of a life in a suitcase (or ten, yes, it’s possible if you’re crossing a land border on foot and paying a shit ton of extra baggage fee) and moving back to Pakistan after living in India since 2016.
At that time, as I sang, I couldn’t even imagine what the new me would look like. I couldn’t even think of reinventing myself all over again. Then yesterday, I opened my meditation app, Calm as I got into bed after a long day for my daily ritual - ten minutes of The Daily Calm, a guided meditation by the ever-lovely Tamara Levitt. Reinvention - that was what Tamara spoke about yesterday as she held me with her soothing voice, telling me to enjoy the feeling of each breath as it arises. “Follow your inhales and follow your exhales. Slowly and reverently.”
While Tamara spoke about the reinvention of daily life, to spice up our routines and patterns and get out of a rut, I couldn’t help but think that sometimes life thrusts upon you a change that catches you off-guard. You’re suddenly in uncharted territory. You cannot escape reinvention. It’s the only way to move forward, seize life by its collar and tell it, “I am not giving up!” Sure, in the beginning you simply cannot fathom how you will even go on from one hour to another. But then hours turn into days, days turn into weeks and without even realising it, you’re already in the process of this so-called “reinvention”. Have you ever gone through something similar? Have you had to reinvent yourself when all you wanted was not to get out of bed?
Well, this is me reinventing myself. Google tells me “reinvention” is the action or process through which something is changed so much that it appears to be entirely new. So I guess I am well on my way to meet the new me. I am not sure when I will meet her. May be that’s not even the point. May be I wake up and meet her everyday as I keep getting out of bed. And today I took a big step towards her by finally starting this newsletter I have been thinking about for a few months now — ever since the separation.
My biggest inspiration to start writing this newsletter has been Carissa Potter’s Substack called “Bad at Keeping Secrets”. Carissa is a lovely woman who is the artist & founder of People I’ve Loved - extremely raw and simple art that truly truly hits you. Every. Single. Time. Don’t believe me? Just scroll through her Instagram page and I dare you not to hit that follow button.
Carissa’s art and words infected me with the desire to be vulnerable, raw and brave. I wanted to write my way through my grief but I did not want this space to become a diary where I regurgitated my messy emotions. Nobody wants to read a sob story. So I waited. In the meanwhile, a lot of regurgitation happened privately in my notes. And three months down the road, here I am writing my very first issue of my very first newsletter, Attachment Issues.
I kept mulling over what I wanted to call it and I kept circling back to the word “attachment”. At first I thought of calling it “Fierce Attachments” in honour of one of my favourite writers, Vivian Gornick. If you haven’t read her memoir by the same name, you are seriously missing out. Trust me, you won’t be able to put it down once you start. But I am a sucker for originality - well, as original as one can be in this recycled universe. This is how I came upon “Attachment Issues”. If you haven’t guessed already, I’ve struggled with attachment issues myself and it’s something I am still exploring. So I thought, why not do it here on Substack, one issue at a time (pun definitely intended).
In this weekly newsletter, I will take a deep dive into the world of little things while dealing with the big ones. I will be raw, I will be vulnerable and I will open my heart to you. And I hope that in doing so, I can encourage you to do the same in your own lives and foster a sense of closeness, understanding and acceptance with the ones you love. Through this space, you can expect to learn about books, podcasts, music, apps, art, cringe-worthy memes, anything really that is helping me cope with the beautiful emotional mess this life is. I hope you’ll stick around. Until next week…
P.S. Let’s chat in the comments. :)
You write beautifully Maliha, and thank you for starting this, for sharing it, for taking this leap, and for inspiring others. I really look forward to reading this!
Thank you for sharing this with us, Maliha! I hope this newsletter becomes a way for you to deal with this period in your life. I'm sure you'll find a supportive network in Karachi, and always remember you have at least one writer friend in Lahore too! Rooting for you